Syndication Awesomeness

My dad works on the business side of television, and he sent me the pitch book for HIMYM in syndication. I wanted to scan it, but my scanner is more like a fax, and I don't want to rip the pages out, so instead I typed it up. Not the whole thing, obviously. If you've ever seen one of these, they've got a lot of charts and graphs.
Each section in the book is separated by a page with each of the different characters and a fake personal ad.

Comedy Powerhouse Seeks Local Station

Attractive, sexy young comedy with great sense of humor seeks upwardly mobile local stations for long-term relationship. Has a great personality. Loves young adults. Versatile: a virile performer in any time period.

Must appreciate intelligent dialogue, unexpected situations, spontaneity, unpredictable behavior from original characters and great storytelling. Prefer stations that value camaraderie and lasting friendships. Must enjoy laughing hard and often. Time slots in access a plus.

Barney

Are You Familiar With My Awesomeness?

Urbane professional seeks good-time girls for good times, duh, and possible very short-term relationship. Me: intelligent, funny, successful, uninhibited and hot. You: uninhibited and hot. Please reply with photos, head and full body shots required, partial nudity preferred.

“Legen-wait for it-dary!”

“Where my shame gland should be, there is a second awesome gland.”

Robin

Desperately Seeking Robin Sparkles

Hardcore devotees seeking any information about current location of ‘90s singing sensation / one-hit wonder Robin Sparkles. If you’re out there, Robin, your fans want you back! We still request your single every day from at least one radio station. You’re our superstar! It’s time for a comeback!”

“The ‘80s didn’t come to Canada ‘til like ’93.”

“I am a television journalist. I am not going to jeopardize my career by saying ‘booger’ for fifty bucks.”

Marshall

I Found My Soul Mate

I so don’t need to advertise for my true love because I already found her. I just wanted to thank all of the girls who dated me and abused me and got me ready for a healthy adult relationship. Except that girl who stalked me. And the one who stole my PIN number. And Bambi because, well, she knows why.

“Look at us, riding around in a limo eating hot dogs…It’s like we’re the president!”

“How much does Korean Elvis rock? I’ll answer that: infinity. He rocks infinity.”

Lily

Free Love

I thought that would get your attention. I’ve found the most perfect guy in the entire world, and I need to get rid of all the stuff my exes have left at my apartment. So… ten dress shirts, a hacky-sack, a harmonica, plus assorted baseball caps, football jerseys, hockey t-shirts and generic brand underwear, free to first caller.

“I think my soul just threw up a little bit.”

“At my wedding, I’m gonna take that flower grenade and chuck it to the crowd and scream ‘Crawl for it, bitches!’ It’s just what girls do.”

Ted

Regular Guy Seeks Mother of His Children

I saw you on television and life has never been the same. You: tall, brunette, full of mystery. Me: outstandingly…umm…average! We have a connection, a spark, a once-in-a-lifetime magic. We’re destined to be together; you just don’t know it yet. So, what’s it going to take? Love letters? Blue French horns? 200 episodes?

“Robin, have I ever told you that I am vomit-free since ’93?”

“If a cockroach and a mouse can find love in this crazy city, then so can I!”